Excerpt
Fleabag: The Scriptures
INT. FLEABAG’S FLAT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT Sounds of a woman breathing.
Shot of the inside of a front door. Fleabag’s POV.
Shot of Fleabag a few steps away from the door, watching it as if she’s ready to pounce. Smudged makeup, hair tousled.
Out of breath.
Shot of the inside of a front door. Fleabag’s POV.
Shot of Fleabag. She turns to camera.
FLEABAG (earnest, touch of pain. To camera)
You know that feeling when a guy you like sends you a text at 2 o’clock on a Tuesday night and asks if he can ‘come and find you’ and you’ve accidentally made it out like you’ve just got in yourself, so you have to get out of bed, drink half a bottle of wine, get in the shower, shave everything, dig out some Agent Provocateur business, suspender belt, the whole bit, and wait by the door until the buzzer goes—
(buzzer goes)
And then you open the door to him like you’d almost forgotten he was coming over.
She opens the door to a HANDSOME MAN.
FLEABAG
(casual)
Oh hi!
ARSEHOLE GUY
Hey.
FLEABAG
Hey.
Beat.
ARSEHOLE GUY
Hey.
FLEABAG (to camera)
And then you get to it immediately.
They start snogging violently.
INT. FLEABAG’S BEDROOM – NIGHT They are going at it on the bed; we are looking at Fleabag’s back while she is on top. In a throe of passion Arsehole Guy flips her over onto her side so she is facing us, with him behind her.
FLEABAG (to camera)
After some pretty standard bouncing you realise that he is edging towards your arsehole. But you’re drunk, and he made the effort to come all the way here so, you let him. He’s thrilled.
ARSEHOLE GUY (whispered)
I’m so thrilled.
INT. FLEABAG’S BEDROOM – MORNING Fleabag lies in bed, peacefully.
She suddenly opens her eyes and talks to us.
FLEABAG (to camera)
And then the next morning, you wake to find him fully dressed, sat on the side of the bed, gazing at you...
REVEAL: Arsehole Guy is sat on the bed, gazing at Fleabag earnestly. Fleabag looks at him, and then back to camera.
FLEABAG (to camera)
He says that—
ARSEHOLE GUY Last night was incredible.
FLEABAG (to camera)
Which you think is an overstatement, but then he goes on to say that—
ARSEHOLE GUY It was particularly special because I’ve never managed to actually... up the bum with anyone before–
FLEABAG (to camera)
To be fair, he does have a large penis.
ARSEHOLE GUYAnd although it’s always been a fantasy of mine, I’ve... never found anyone I could do it with.
FLEABAG (to camera) And then he touches your hair.
He touches her hair.
FLEABAGAnd thanks you with a genuine earnest.
ARSEHOLE GUY (earnest)
Thank you.
FLEABAG (to camera)
It’s sort of moving. Then he kisses you gently.
He kisses her gently.
FLEABAG (to camera)
And then he leaves.
He leaves.
Beat.
Fleabag frowns.
FLEABAG (to camera)
And you spend the rest of the day wondering—
CUT TO: INT. CAFÉ – MORNING
Fleabag sits with a cup of tea looking up into the distance pensively. A moment of real consideration passes before...
FLEABAG (to camera, concerned)
Do I have a MASSIVE arsehole?
TITLES: FLEABAG INT. BUS – DAY Fleabag sits, reading a newspaper. On the page we see an advert boasting: ‘Thinking of getting a mortgage?’ with an inexplicably naked woman advertising it. Fleabag does not react. Because none of us do.
She looks around and catches the eye of a MAN who is looking at her over his paper. We can only see his eyes. He looks away shyly. She looks at the camera and raises her eyebrows slightly. Hello...
He pulls his paper down and smiles and reveals that he has extraordinarily large front teeth.
She quickly looks away with a small grimace.
INT. BUS – DAY, LATER Fleabag and BUS RODENT are getting off at the same stop. They do a little awkward laugh at each other.
They stand next to each other.
BUS RODENT (giggly)
Wow... Um. This doesn’t happen very often, does it?
FLEABAG (really giggly)
Nooo no... I er – I suppose it’s... I suppose it’s quite rare, yeah.
(to camera)
I hate myself.
BUS RODENT Um, are you going to work?
FLEABAG Oh, no actually I—
BUS RODENT Ok, um. This is gonna sound crazy, um, but I think that I should take your number and I think I should call it and I think I should ask you if you wanna go out for a drink with me.
FLEABAG Um... I—
BUS RODENT Fuuuck me, you’ve got a boyfriend.
FLEABAG Um, no... No, we broke up quite recently actually.
BUS RODENT Oh my God, I’m so sorry slash really pleased. Errrrm, how the hell did he manage to fuck that up?
INT. FLASHBACK, FLEABAG’S BEDROOM – NIGHT Fleabag is lying in bed with her computer in her lap, eating pizza. She is watching a video of OBAMA giving a speech.
He is very serious.
She is very serious.
She starts touching herself.
Suddenly a YOUNG MAN’s head pokes up on the other side of the bed.
HARRY What are you doing?
She flips the laptop down quickly.
FLEABAG Nothing!
Beat.
Harry gets out of bed.
FLEABAG Harry—
He grabs his bag and starts packing some things from a clothes rail.
HARRY I know what you were doing.
FLEABAG I was watching the news!
HARRY (genuine)
Really?
FLEABAG Yeah!
HARRY (genuine)
Really?
FLEABAG Yeah!
HARRY (vulnerable)
What was he talking about then?
Beat.
FLEABAG What?
HARRY (vulnerable)
Please. I – I just – need to hear this. What was he talking about?
Long pause.
FLEABAG Iraq.
Hurt and furious, Harry manically starts packing again.
HARRY
Don’t say anything.
She doesn’t.
HARRY Please don’t stop me leaving.
She doesn’t move.
HARRY (angrily)
Please don’t.
FLEABAGOk.
HARRY
DON’T!
He pauses. Then picks up his stuff.
HARRY I’ve really tried to be there for you through this. You can’t say I haven’t tried.
She doesn’t say anything.
HARRY Don’t say anything. And please don’t contact me. Or turn up at my house drunk, in your underwear. It won’t work this time.
FLEABAG (to camera)
It will.
HARRY (sadly)
I’m taking the posh shampoo.
He goes to leave, then stops at the door and looks at her.
HARRY He was talking about democr—
HARD CUT TO: They giggle and walk off in opposite directions. As she walks, Fleabag checks her phone. She suddenly BOLTS it down the street.
