Excerpt
Different Loving
One
INTRODUCTION
In order to understand unusual sexualities such as dominance and submission (D&S), one first has to consider the question, “What is normal?” If the unique function of sex is reproductive—and the only reason men and women should engage in sex is for the purpose of creating new life—then only heterosexual intercourse is normal. Masturbation, oral sex, and even contraception must be considered aberrant. Reproductive relevance was the Victorian standard of normalcy, and even today many of the laws defining criminal sexual behaviors in the United States still abide by that model. In reality, however, people have always pursued sex for reproduction as well as for pleasure and well-being.
The term normal is meaningless in terms of sexuality. It is commonly used as the opposite of abnormal and therefore as a euphemism for “good” versus “bad.” The consensus among sex therapists is that anything that occurs between consenting adults that harms no one is acceptable.
—HOWARD AND MARTHA LEWIS
We start from the premise that sex for pleasure is a normal human drive and is acceptable when it brings pleasure to both partners. From this perspective, D&S is simply a “different” kind of loving.
This book is biased toward heterosexuals quite simply because there are more heterosexuals than homosexuals in the general population as well as in the world of D&S. Gays and lesbians are nonetheless a vital and vocal component of the D&S communities and a pioneering force for the dissemination of reliable information and safety guidelines.
We use the term D&S to describe erotic activities more commonly known as sadomasochism (S/M) or bondage and discipline (B&D). Since many of our interviewees make careful distinctions among these three categories, we honor their choice of terminology in interviews and citations. In fact, defining a universally accepted label for sadomasochistic behaviors is controversial. (See Chapter 3, “The ABCs of D&S,” for detailed discussion.)
Few mutually consensual sexual activities are regarded with as much censure as D&S. The dearth of sensible, candid information about D&S has fostered exaggerated, negatively charged stereotypes. Dominatrices are, for example, typically portrayed as destroyers of men—a combination of the mythical enchantress Circe and the voluptuous Marlene Dietrich in The Blue Angel, hell-bent on emasculation. Female submissives are depicted as neurotic, self-destructive victims. And the very word sadist conjures the image of a criminal inflicting violent torture on helpless victims. When serial killers, such as Ted Bundy, announce that they were influenced by sadomasochistic pornography, the educated and uneducated alike accept the idea that a sociopath is an exemplar of a sexual behavior. Do some sadomasochists commit felonious assault? Undoubtedly. So do some devout Christians. Sadomasochists are prey to the same failings as regular people, because they are regular people.
WHAT IS SADOMASOCHISM … REALLY?
For active D&Sers sadomasochism is a thoughtful and controlled expression of adult sexuality that holds the promise of intense intimacy and sharing. The people interviewed for this book repeatedly describe the profound gratification their sexuality affords them. They explain why an erotic piercing effects a visceral change, how pain can feel like pleasure, why bondage is psychologically liberating. And, although our interviewees’ private lives may seem unusual, these men and women are not one-dimensional sexual anomalies: Their personal aspirations and public lives will be familiar to all Americans.
The Victorian scientist, Richard von Krafft-Ebing, identified the erotic interest in inflicting pain as “sadism,” after the Marquis de Sade, and condemned sexual acts that did not result in procreation as perverse. One of the great ironies is that de Sade, who by his own admission had scant experience of sadomasochism, has come to represent sexual behaviors that violate his own philosophical precepts. De Sade’s novels advocate the ultimate philosophical liberty: freedom to violate and destroy.
The kind of sexuality [de Sade] has in mind runs counter to the desires of other people … they are to be victims, not partners … the partners are denied any rights at all: this is the key to his system.
—GEORGE BATAILLE
The practices and attitudes of contemporary sexual dominants and submissives, in contrast, largely abide by the credo of “Safe, Sane, and Consensual.” Partners emphasize equal and honest communication, negotiation, and consent; mutual trust is fundamental. A partner’s limits and preferences are respected. De Sade would be disgusted.
The lonely pornographer of the Bastille is not the only writer whose sadomasochistic fiction has been mistaken for reality. The novels of Leopold von Sacher-Masoch (the namesake of masochism), Pauline Réage, and Anne Rice—a modern writer of sadomasochistic erotica—are typically misconstrued as models for real relationships. Similarly, most pornography dealing with bondage and sadomasochism depicts severely dehumanized portraits that are as relevant to the actual practice of D&S as a sleazy porno movie is to romantic love. The masturbatory spectacle is all: The emotional content nonexistent.
Allusions to spanking, bondage, transvestism, and other so-called perversions permeate popular culture, so that sadomasochists have become both the butt of lewd jokes and delectably dark figures of forbidden sensuality. Whether it’s talk-show host Arsenio Hall asking his female guests if they enjoy spankings or filmmaker Mel Brooks’s satires of whip-wielding sadomasochists in High Anxiety, coy references to aspects of dominance and submission provoke sexual innuendo and titillated snickers. How many times in just the last few years has “kinky” sex captivated readers and viewers? Tabloids delightedly jumped on rumors that actors such as Cary Grant, Nick Nolte, and Jack Nicholson enjoy spanking women. Madonna’s book Sex contains sadomasochistic images, which, on the whole, are now a stock-in-trade of pop music videos.
For over a century we have lived with a cultural paradox: Descriptions of these sexual behaviors are so compelling that the media can always bank on their depictions to stir interest and increase profits. At the same time, we condemn these behaviors, which we do not understand, and regard people who make D&S a regular part of their lives as intrinsically different, frightening, wrong.
In this book we place each of the controversial sexual practices we discuss in its larger, real-life context. Most of all, we present sexual dominants, submissives, and fetishists as they see themselves: loving and compassionate individuals who care about their partners’ enjoyment and welfare and who engage in D&S for the pleasure and mutual satisfaction that it affords. These are contributing and respected members of society: our next-door neighbors, our parents, our brothers and sisters, our teachers and our doctors, Hollywood’s brightest stars and the grocery store’s nicest cashiers, our politicians and our clergy.
This chapter opens the candid discussion of D&S. In addition to in-depth interviews, in this chapter and throughout the book, we will also quote interviewees whose profiles appear in other chapters. Our first interviewees are:
• Dr. Ronald Moglia is the director of the Human Sexuality graduate program of New York University’s Department of Health Education. He received his Ed. D. from Temple University. Dr. Moglia joined the NYU graduate program in 1979 and has chaired it since 1988.
• Howard and Martha Lewis are a husband-and-wife team and the authors of numerous texts on human sexuality. They edit the Journal of Sex Education and Therapy, Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality, Sexuality and Disability, and other medical journals. They are also the chief administrators of the Human Sexuality Forums of CompuServe Information Service, the nation’s largest on-line sexuality data base.
DEFINING D&SERS
Very generally speaking, two groups of people engage in D&S. First are those who fantasize about D&S and may periodically and casually experiment with it. These individuals add spice to a sexually conventional relationship by engaging in some form of D&S eroticism, such as spanking or roleplaying. The second group comprises those who are primarily and unequivocally aroused by D&S and who actively seek out sympathetic partners and, usually, support as well as education. The anecdotal information in this book is largely derived from this second group. We located most of our interviewees through D&S support groups, publications, and word of mouth. Our research, however, suggests that the majority of people who engage in D&S belong to the first group.
According to estimates by the Kinsey Institute and others, 5 percent to 10 percent of the adult American population regularly engages in some form of D&S. Numerous sexuality studies report that conquest and captivity scenarios are the most popular fantasies among all adults.
The range of the erotic imagination is almost limitless.… One person fantasizes about animals, another about movie stars, another about enemas, diapers, or South Sea islands.… The stylistic variations of sexual fantasies reflect the richness of the human mind … [and] most sex therapists feel that any sexual activity between willing adults that does not result in physical harm is normal and acceptable.
—MASTERS AND JOHNSON
The husband and wife who privately roleplay as conqueror and captured maiden are expressing the basic impulse of D&S, just as those who hold a partner’s wrists down or bite their lovers during lovemaking understand that rough stimuli may enhance sexual response. Many couples who enjoy extended D&S roleplaying do not know that there is a term for this aspect of their sexuality, nor that their erotic lives might be perceived by others as outside of the mainstream.
The two important distinctions between those who playfully incorporate aspects of D&S into sexual intimacy and those who define themselves as D&Sers are consciousness and degree of erotic need.
