Excerpt
Bad Manners: Party Grub
Picture this Shit You walk into a party at your friend’s place, the crowd is looking right, the playlist is solid, and then you see the spread. There are some empty bags of greasy, broken chips, cans of grey dip and corn-syrup salsa, and a sweaty pile of Vienna sausages. And drinks? Yeah, there’s room-temperature beer. How the f*ck are you supposed to enjoy yourself when the food and drink situation is saying “meh, whatever”? That shit will not stand anymore.
Parties happen way more than you think: birthdays, holidays, graduations, sports shit, block parties, welcome parties, goodbye parties, Mario parties. Whateverthef*ck excuse you need to get together with some friends and family to eat some good food is a party in our book and should be treated like one. Don’t roll up to our place with a single serving bag of pretzels thinking that’s cool.
Parties should be about having a good time; not about eating a bunch of depressing garbage that you’re gonna regret tomorrow. Party food usually involves a bunch of prepackaged shit from the store. Which means the nonsense you’re eating when you’re trying to feel good with friends is loaded with trans fats, artificial everything, and a shitload of sodium. And if you’re drinking alcohol on top of all that super-salty food, it’s only gonna dehydrate your ass and drag you down more. A great party spread not only tastes good but is filling enough to keep that party rollin’ all night after lesser snacks would’ve let you down. That’s why we’re here: to keep you from suffering from subpar snacks at your next celebration. Never again.
Out on the road and through various tubes on the Internet, we kept hearing from people that one of the hardest things about starting to eat healthy is hanging out with all the careless motherf*ckers/friends who don’t give a damn about what they eat. Our last book,
Bad Manners: The Official Cookbook, got you cooking healthy food for yourself at home, but let’s be real—that falls apart every time you spend the holidays at a flavorless family function or some work party where all they’ve got for health-conscious folks are wet baby carrots and limp celery sticks. Ugh, that shit is insulting. This isn’t a sixth-grade sack lunch, it’s a motherf*cking. PARTY. SPREAD. Plenty of people fall off the healthy-eating wagon in social settings, give up, and struggle to start again. That’s why we had to come back and help you shake up your snack and party grub game.
You're holding a motherf*cking bible of tricks, tips, and recipes that you can bring to any occasion like a BBQ, potluck, fancy dinner, or beer pong tournament without anyone giving you shit for trying to eat better. The only question you’ll get will be “why the f*ck didn’t you make more?” So whether you’re the host or a guest, you shouldn’t stoop to store-bought solutions.
Let us help you. Showing up to a house party with a basket of raw, unseasoned kale is going to get your ass kicked by even the most passive of hippies, so don’t be that person. We’ve crafted up some tasty grub with affordable, easy-to-find ingredients that anyone will fall in love with, long before they realize they just ate a plateful of healthy, plant-based food.
Maybe you’re not the partying type so you think you’re getting left out. First off, the minimum attendance for any party is one. You should have the best food and drinks that your loner ass can make while you binge-watch Netflix. If you don’t take care of #1, who the hell will? So live it up, you f*cking hermit. Secondly, use the badass food in here as an excuse to get out and pretend you’re an extrovert. Challenge yourself because hanging out with other humans is actually a healthy habit. Studies have found that people who frequently interact with other people live longer than the socially averse among us. The health benefits of hanging with other people can be as obvious as a reduced risk for things like depression, but socializing can also reduce your risk for cardiovascular problems, some cancers, and can even lower your blood pressure. GODDAMN. So like everyone else, you’re stressed with work, worried about money, and traffic’s got you all f*cked up and thus you’re never in the mood to go out or see other people. We f*cking get it, but you need to get out there. Use this book as a guide so you can show up with a smile and some bomb food, even if you’re wearing your sweatpants. Nobody will say a goddamn thing.
Not invited? Throw your own f*cking party. If you cook it, they will come. The Beastie Boys fought for your right to party. Don’t let that shit be in vain. And we know money is tight but you gotta eat anyway, so you might as well not do it alone. This book is packed with recipes you can use to feed your crew no matter your budget. Serve your squad some tiny portions and call that shit
tapas. Problem solved.
Before you even ask, no, you can’t just have drinks and no food.
Even the DRUNKEST MOTHERF*CKERS get hungry eventually.
And people will get cranky real quick. They’ll start digging through your pantry and crunching on uncooked noodles. Save them from themselves. Also, this is the perfect time to show those garbage-eating goats you call friends that healthy food can satisfy their tequila-soaked cravings better than some greasy shit. Not only will it fill them up, but they won’t feel like shit the next day. Don’t let them go out and order 16 soft tacos with fire sauce. That’s not dinner, that’s a ticking-time poo. Curb the late-night drivethru decisions by serving and eating quality food at the party. Do those deep-fried friends a solid.
And yeah, you’re gonna find some decorating ideas tucked away in these pages, but keep your head in check.
The only real VIP at any party is the food.
Nobody is on their way to the party thinking “I hope there are some hand-turned artisanal paper straws and reclaimed wooden cake stands.” For f*ck’s sake. Just be sure to have the food and drinks handled, and then you can worry about party props with what’s left in your budget.
Worried that your apartment sucks? Guess what: Everybody is living or has lived in a bleak apartment, so anyone who is talking some silly shit can GTFO because they’re at the wrong party. Sure, you might not have enough furniture or whatever, but you can just sit your ass on the floor and call that an indoor picnic.
ADAPT, MOTHERF*CKER.
Just like Martha, we don’t accept any excuses in the entertaining game. Bad Manners will get your party from “livable” to “legendary” in no time. We’ve used every waking moment we had over the last year testing these recipes on everyone we could, every chance we got. That’s right, we partied our asses off for you. You’re f*cking welcome.
As usual, our recipes will meet you wherever you’re at. We got stuff in here for new cooks just getting their shit together to hall-of-fame hosts looking to try new things. Even if you do this plant-based shit part-time, you should know how to host people with all kinds of diets. Plant-based meals are an all-inclusive party must that everyone can enjoy. Except for that one cousin of yours but they f*cking hate everything so stop trying to make them happy. We got you covered with brunch ideas to badass sides, from casseroles to cocktails. So suit up and sit down because your ass is about to learn how to cook up some good shit worth sharing. You might get some glitter on you—you’ve been warned.
