Relationship Road Map

Relationship Road Map

1

Begin with Your Destination in Mind

Know Where You Want to End Up

About four years ago, I got some great news that had the potential to impact my life in an extremely good way. When I found out, I knew I needed to stay dignified about it. Stay humble. I wasn’t about to go on Instagram and holler, “I’m on top of the world!”

You know what I did in my house when I got that news? I turned on “So Fresh, So Clean” by Outkast, jumped up onto the kitchen countertop, and started shaking what my mama gave me. Guess what my wife, Zai, did? She jumped onto that countertop with me, and we screamed and danced and cut up and had the time of our lives. I want that for you! I want you to have someone to twerk on the kitchen countertop with for the rest of your life. This process of finding the right person to spend your life with is one of the greatest and most important endeavors you can embark on next to knowing Christ. Why? Because . . .

Life. Is. Amazing.

Life. Is. Hard.

Life is full of so many wonderful ups, but it’s also filled with some really difficult downs. When you have someone on your best days to share the joy, it makes a great day one thousand times better. But sometimes you’ll be curled up on the couch together in front of the fire, crying your eyes out after a difficult day. Having an amazing person who is committed to you for life on those days is one of the greatest joys a person could have. Remember that the first thing God declared not good was for “man to be alone.” This tells us that marriage is good. And while not everyone is called to get married, marriage is one of God’s most profound gifts to us. Dating, with the goal of finding God’s person for you, can be tricky, but I’m here to tell you that the journey you’re on is worth it. There are few greater joys on planet earth—­outside of your relationship with God—­than finding your person and building an amazing marriage.

When you’ve got a lover you can cut up with, it makes all the difference. The way Zai and I cut up is absolutely ridiculous sometimes. The Bible says that laughter is like medicine, and in a healthy marriage, you have someone to laugh with. You’ll have your inside jokes, your secret handshakes. You were made to enjoy life with that person as long as you both live. The first relationship God established, after a relationship with Himself, was between a husband and a wife. And God created that union to be good.

This doesn’t mean that there won’t be difficult days. But it does mean that the number of those days will be cut in half. Had a hard day at work? In conflict with a friend? Get a scary diagnosis? There is someone at home who will hold you, encourage you, and feed you apple pie after one of those bad days. That person is in your corner. They’ll listen to you. And this person is also going to double your good days! Dancing on our kitchen countertop with Zai? My joy was doubled. When you’ve got a committed lover in your corner, your bad days are cut in half and the good ones are more than doubled.

You’ve also got someone to build with. God hasn’t given every gift to every person. In fact, I think that God purposefully doesn’t give you all the tools you need to fulfill your destiny. He has placed some of the tools you lack in your spouse! For example, I’m proud to be an introvert; I think we have the deepest relationships with others. The number of people who introverts know can be limited because of our discomfort in engaging new people. In ministry, what I started to find was that Zai would bring people into our world with her beautiful extroversion. That expanded our sphere of influence in our community. It expanded our support system. You hear it? I benefited from a gift I didn’t possess. My partner is gifted in ways I am not. She has experience I don’t. And that has been a blessing in all that God has called us to build.

I mentioned that life is hard, right? It’s full of setbacks, disappointments, delays. And sometimes you can get discouraged and overwhelmed. In marriage, you have someone who can cheer you on and pick you up and remind you of the days that you won. When you’re married, you have someone gifted by God to inspire and encourage you to accomplish the plan God has for you. When my strength is faltering, Zai is there for me and vice versa.

Have you ever seen a video of two people driving a stake or post into the ground? They might be setting up a tent or driving the spike on a train track. You’ll see that one person will hit the top with a sledgehammer and then the other person takes a turn. Then the first person again. And while one person is hitting it, the other person is winding up. And next thing you know, they’ve got this rhythm of hitting it over and over and over and over. That stake gets driven into the ground so quickly because there are two hammers heading in the same direction. I love what the Bible says in The Message translation of Ecclesiastes 4:9–­10: “It’s better to have a partner than go it alone. Share the work, share the wealth. And if one falls down, the other helps.”

Finally, in marriage, you have an ally who can watch your back. Because the Enemy doesn’t want to see you accomplish the plans God has for you. And when the Enemy attacks our house? I have a wife who is watching my back, and I am watching hers. We cover each other in prayer. Not only does she pray for me, but she is also vigilant, watching for people who may be sent by the Enemy to take advantage of me, drain my energy, or distract me from or undermine God’s call on my life. Zai senses it, and she warns me. You better believe I am doing the same for her, though not in an overprotective or jealous-­husband type of way; I’m prayerfully looking for the people divinely sent by God to advance my wife toward her calling and watching out for those who are not.

While there is no foolproof plan for finding the perfect spouse, I believe that if you will date with intentionality and purpose, God’s got somebody who is going to blow your mind and give above and beyond all that you can ever ask, think, or imagine. So as you begin this journey of dating—­or you decide to reset the way you’ve been dating after reading this book!—­I want you to travel with the destination in mind. God made marriage to be good.

If you follow the road map, you will get there.

And when you get there, you need to arrive in good shape. That means I want you to check your engine now, as you begin the journey, so that your eventual partner is meeting someone who is—­at least relatively—­whole and healthy and thriving. Keep reading to discover how!