Fang Fiction

Fang Fiction

Chapter 1

Five Years Later

Transcript of Here to Slay podcast, episode 83

    Cat:    Hey, this is Cat Koorse!

    Ruby:    And this is Ruby LaBruyere.

    Cat:    And this is Here to Slay, the podcast where we bring you biting commentary on all things vampire.

    Ruby:    Oh my god, Cat, you said you weren’t going to do the bite joke.

    Cat:    Sue me! I lied!

    Ruby:    Okay. Anyway, big news this week—­the long-­anticipated Blood Feud movie has officially been green-lit! Guy Whiteman is writing and directing, with Henry Golding and Gemma Chan set to star as sexy-­evil vampire twins Callum and Octavia Yoo—­

    Cat:    Aren’t those characters supposed to be British Korean? Neither of those actors is Korean.

    Ruby:    This is Hollywood, let’s be glad they’re Asian at all. The biggest news is Timothée Chalamet himself is playing heartbreaking hero Felix Hawthorn! Truly the most perfect casting I could imagine—­I can’t wait to see Timmy bring that fabulous mop of hair to sweet, charming Felix.

    Cat:    Oooh, the Chala-­mop.

    Ruby:    I prefer Chala-­mane.

    Cat:    So today, we’re going to dive into some of the controversies surrounding the Blood Feud novels and speculate about what they might mean for the film.

    Ruby:    I’ve read all the Blood Feud novels—­

    Cat:    And I’ve read none of them.

    Ruby:    So let me take you through some of the basics. Blood Feud follows the story of two warring clans of vampires trapped on a mysterious isle that looks a lot like Manhattan, but with more magic and stuff.

    Cat:    What kind of magic?

    Ruby:    Okay, so like, you know in most vampire stories the vampires can glamour people?

    Cat:    Like when the vampires look into your eyes and you fall into a trance and do whatever they say?

    Ruby:    Exactly! Well, on the Isle, there are no people, but the vampires who live there can glamour their surroundings instead, like make fabulous castles and stuff.

    Cat:    Oh wow, it’s like vampire HGTV.

    Ruby:    You got it. Otherwise the Blood Feud novels mostly adhere to regular vampire rules. You can only kill them by chopping off their heads, driving a wooden stake through their hearts, or setting them on fire. They sire new vampires by draining a human’s blood and then the human drinks the vampire’s blood instead, the usual.

    Cat:    Do they glitter in the sunshine like the vampires in Twilight?

    Ruby:    Nope! They burn to death in a spectacular blaze of violence.

    Cat:    Copy that.

    Ruby:    There are three novels so far, and they’ve sold upward of ten million copies worldwide—­fans are absolutely rabid for the fourth, but we have no idea when, or if, it’s coming out. Which brings us to our first controversy: Who is August Lirio?

    Cat:    I know this! August Lirio is the author of Blood Feud!

    Ruby:    Yes, well done. But who are they? August Lirio is a total recluse: We have no idea what gender they are, how old they are, where they live, what they look like—­absolutely nothing.

    Cat:    Wait, they don’t even have an author photo?

    Ruby:    No! Rumors have swirled that “August Lirio” doesn’t exist, and the name is just a pseudonym for another famous author.

    Cat:    Like who?

    Ruby:    Oh my god, you name it—­George R. R. Martin was a popular one because Callum and Octavia are biological twins, plus they have the whole twin sire bond thing, but they’ve never had sex, so that doesn’t seem like George.

    Cat:    I’m sorry, the twin sire what?

    Ruby:    So in the Blood Feud books there’s this thing called the twin sire bond, where Callum and Octavia were sired and reborn as vampires in the same grave on the same night, which gives them special powers, like they’re especially fast and strong and stuff. But that is not what’s controversial about them.

    Cat:    What’s controversial about them??

    Ruby:    People think they’re real.

    Cat:    I’m sorry, what?

    Ruby:    Okay. So members of the Blood Feud fandom call ourselves Feudies, and certain corners of the Feudie fandom believe that the characters in the books are, ya know. Real vampires.

    Cat:    Ruby, are you a vampire truther??!?!

    Ruby:    I would say I’m vampire-­truther-­curious.

    Cat:    Wow. Wow.

    Ruby:    Have I shocked you?

    Cat:    You know, I think it’s a good thing. We’ve been friends for a decade, we have two podcasts together, and you still find ways to surprise me. I think it’s nice. Okay, so say you’re interested in these vampire conspiracies. Where would you go to learn more?

    Ruby:    Tumblr, reddit, the usual. FeudieTok, obviously.

    Cat:    So, are there . . . a lot of people who think vampires are real?

    Ruby:    Listen, what we lack in numbers we make up in sheer unhinged fortitude. No, but really, I’ve met some awesome people in the Feudie forums. One truther was a PhD student at Columbia, she wrote a really thorough essay explaining the theories that went viral after it got picked up by BuzzFeed last year.

    Cat:    Oh shit, I think I remember that!

    Ruby:    Anyway, we’re going to get way more into the vampire-­truther conspiracies in a minute, but first, if you’re feeling like a vampire who can’t get any sleep, you might benefit from SheCalm, which are medical-­grade, all-­natural CBD gummies clinically proven to help with relaxation and insomnia, specifically formulated for women.

    Cat:    How is it different from CBD for men?

    Ruby:    It comes in a pink bottle.

    Cat:    Can’t argue with that! We’ll be back right after this.