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The Way of Play
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The Way of Play

Using Little Moments of Big Connection to Raise Calm and Confident Kids

About the Book

The simple way to help your kids face their fears, handle big emotions, and bolster their social skills—from the New York Times bestselling co-author of The Whole-Brain Child and a renowned play therapist

“A parenting guide as useful as it is scientifically sound, The Way of Play is a gift for anyone who cares about human development and the growth-promoting importance of having fun in life!”—Daniel J. Siegel, MD
 
Most parents understand that free, unstructured playtime is great for children’s development. What they may not know is that playful interaction with parents is also a powerful way for kids to cultivate healthy emotional development and resilience. Kids often want their parents to play with them, but many parents don’t know how to play or see it only as an (often boring) way to kill time.
 
Playing with your kids doesn’t have to mean enrolling in countless parent-and-me classes or getting on all fours and making toy car sounds; the little daily moments together can make the most impact. In The Way of Play, world-renowned pediatric therapists and play experts Tina Payne Bryson and Georgie Wisen-Vincent break down seven simple, playful techniques that harness this caregiving magic in only a few minutes each day:
 
• Leaning in to emotions helps children let go of anxieties, drama, and chaotic behavior.
• Tuning in to the body teaches children to practice the art of surfing sensory waves.
• Storytelling promotes better problem-solving.
• Thinking out loud fosters calmer thinking and stronger communication with parents, siblings, and everyone else.
 
Full of science-backed research, real-life stories, and charming line illustrations to bring this novel advice to life, The Way of Play will help you nurture your kids and encourage them to become calm listeners, cooperative problem solvers, and respectful communicators. Just as important, it will help your whole family have more fun together and build stronger relationships.
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Praise for The Way of Play

“A parenting guide as useful as it is scientifically sound, The Way of Play is a gift for anyone who cares about human development and the growth-promoting importance of having fun in life!”—Daniel J. Siegel, MD, New York Times bestselling co-author of The Whole-Brain Child

“This book is a game changer. It shares the secret antidote to your children’s anxiety and temper: understanding what they are saying through their play and being able to respond in that same language. I don’t know a parent who won’t learn something from these precious pages.”—Aliza Pressman, PhD, New York Times bestselling author of The 5 Principles of Parenting

“This is an essential read to understand the vital role of play in building children’s brains, hearts, and emotional intelligence. It’s an invaluable resource for anyone who works or lives with children, and I’m adding it to my bookshelf of favorites!”—Jessica Lahey, New York Times bestselling author of The Gift of Failure

“The Way of Play puts play right where it belongs—at the heart of the parent-child relationship. I love how every play strategy the authors share begins with tuning in to children, with curiosity and wonder. As they explain, it’s not about ‘the right game to play’ but about our connection.”—Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD, author of Playful Parenting

“Ahh, play. We know it’s key to your child’s cognitive and social development. But the questions of how much is enough, what type of play is best, and why play is important are rarely discussed. Enter The Way of Play, a book co-authored by one of my personal parenting gurus—Tina Payne Bryson—that addresses all these issues and so much more. It shows the many benefits of even a few minutes of play—including some fun for all ages!”—Madeline Levine, PhD, author of The Price of Privilege

“[An] astute parenting manual . . . It’s one of the more fun parenting guides readers are likely to encounter.”—Publishers Weekly
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Excerpt

The Way of Play

Strategy #1:

Think Out Loud

Primary skill being developed in the child:

Awareness of their inner world: thoughts, feelings, wishes, intentions, and more.

Primary message received by the child:

Someone understands me, and I can understand myself.

At times it seemed that Theo hated his baby sister. From the first moment he laid eyes on little Emma, so many of his actions screamed, “You’re the enemy!”

When he hid her favorite hippo, she cried. When he pinched her legs at the park, she screamed. And when he swiped her smoothie, pouring it all over the kitchen floor, he laughed while the family dog lapped it up. As he grew older, the conflict only intensified.

Playtime for five-year-old Theo and two-year-old Emma was often a complete disaster. Theo would want to build with his blocks, and Emma would try to join in. But as soon as she got close, Theo would scream in her face or push her over. Once he ran across the room to tackle her, like a linebacker plowing into a quarterback. He was so fast that Kevin, his father, couldn’t get there in time to block him.

Kevin was a single dad, and he tried everything he could think of: bribes, threats, punishments, timeouts. But nothing worked. He felt exasperated because he couldn’t figure out how to help his young son handle himself better and be kinder to his sister. He didn’t want to spend these precious early years breaking up fights and repeatedly sending his children to their separate corners.

Nagging questions and doubts began to materialize in his mind: Should it be this hard for my children to play together? Is this typical, or is there something wrong with my son? He wanted to teach his children important life skills about communication and compromise, relationships and resilience, but he worried that all he was doing was constantly refereeing their fights so they could all simply survive until bedtime. And even that wasn’t going so well.

Does any of this sound familiar? Are there times when your kids get stuck in a behavior and you can’t figure out how to get them out of it? Maybe it’s sibling conflict like Kevin was facing with his kids, or maybe it’s about screen time, emotional issues, school difficulties, or something else. Unless your family is very, very unusual, you and your kids are facing an issue or two (or nine!) that you feel like you just can’t get on top of. This is where the first PlayStrong strategy, Think Out Loud, comes in. It’ll take time and consistency, but it can be the key to resolving many of the difficult issues you and your family regularly face.

What we’re offering here is a different perspective on handling conflict, one that lays the groundwork ahead of time and that’s also responsive to children’s overwhelming needs in the moment. It’s a way to make your child more aware of the source of their frustration and more willing to observe their own powerful needs and drives. Over time they’ll be better—not perfect, but better—at expressing their thoughts and feelings to others in a balanced and productive manner. Let’s talk about how to do that.

What we’re offering here is a different perspective on handling conflict, one that lays the groundwork ahead of time and that’s also responsive to children’s overwhelming needs in the moment. It’s a way to make your child more aware of the source of their frustration and more willing to observe their own powerful needs and drives. Then, they’ll be better—not perfect, but better—at expressing their thoughts and feelings to others in a balanced and productive manner.

Think Out Loud: The Strategy

When children automatically react to a negative situation, they’re largely acting without thinking, driven by overwhelming impulses bubbling up from the more primitive parts of their brain. Unless they have trustworthy, reliable adults who can step in and help regulate emotions and behaviors without getting too overwhelmed themselves, kids will repeat their angry reactions so often that those behaviors, or temporary states, begin to look more like long-lasting negative habits and even become traits.

The good news is that there’s a way we can help develop our children’s ability to regulate themselves through the power of self-awareness. The more you can cultivate this skill in your kids, the more they can avoid losing control of their emotions (and bodies and minds) when things don’t go their way. That’s what we’ll be aiming for in the first few chapters of this book.

Thinking out loud is the first step to teaching kids to pay attention to what’s happening inside themselves so they can develop positive, conscious, intentional responses, instead of intense and off-the-cuff reactions. With practice and our help, kids really can develop a fuller awareness of what’s going on inside their minds. And that awareness can grow stronger and stronger over the years as your child moves through adolescence and eventually becomes an adult.

Think about what a difference it would’ve made for Theo if he’d had this skill at the ready whenever he became upset with Emma. If only he could observe what was going on inside his own mind before he lashed out at his sister, he could make a different choice. If only he could develop this one powerful observational skill, then his father could work with him on applying it in his interactions with his sister as he matured until eventually he could regulate his behaviors on his own.

This is where thinking out loud comes in. What we’re doing, essentially, is introducing our kids to their inner world. We play with them, and while doing so, we help them become more conscious of their own thoughts, feelings, plans, ideas, wishes, and intentions.

What we’re doing, essentially, is introducing our kids to their inner world. We play with them, and while doing so, we help them become more conscious of their own thoughts, feelings, plans, ideas, wishes, and intentions.

Sounds logical enough, but here’s the challenge: Kids aren’t born knowing what they think and feel. In fact, young children especially don’t even know what a “thought” or “feeling” (or “sensation,” “intention,” or “motivation”) is until they learn it, when development unfolds to allow that sophisticated process to happen. As spoken language develops, typically somewhere between a child’s first and second birthday, they begin to express their thoughts and feelings in words because they’ve spent a lot of time watching us do it.

But they can still struggle.

As kids get older, as often as we ask them to “use your words” and express themselves, they often haven’t developed the neural connectivity or the necessary skills yet, or they’re too dysregulated to access them. If they could find the right words in the moment, they would use them—but so often they can’t.

Instead, while we work with them on developing the ability to express themselves in words, we have to tune in and interpret their actions. There’s a phrase we like that you’ll already know if you read Tina’s book with Dan Siegel, No-Drama Discipline: “Behavior is communication.” Kids’ actions tell a story. With their behavior, they show us the very lessons they need to be taught and the skills they need to learn. So we want to view all behavior as communication, then get curious about what it is that’s causing that behavior.

Sure, Kevin would have loved for Theo’s response, when his sister encroached on his block stacking, to be, “I’m feeling very angry, so I’d better watch myself and make good decisions.” But at Theo’s level of development, that kind of emotional-linguistic response was far beyond his reach, especially in the heat of the moment. This kind of emotionally aware language is hard even for mature adults!

So what was Theo communicating?

That he lacked the skill of self-awareness—the first step toward controlling his own actions. That’s what his behavior was telling his father.

All kids, in fact, need to build the same skills. That’s why the focus of the first PlayStrong strategy is to cultivate a level of self-awareness in children. We want to introduce them to their inner world so they can pay attention to what’s going on with their thoughts and emotions, then make better choices as they mature and grow up. They won’t get it right away, of course, but you know that old proverb about the journey of a thousand miles beginning with the first step? Introducing self-awareness, even at a rudimentary level, is the first step in the thousand-mile journey toward self-regulation and healthy development.

About the Author

Tina Payne Bryson
Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., is the co-author, with Daniel J. Siegel, of two New York Times bestsellers, The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline. She is the founder and executive director of the Center for Connection, an interdisciplinary clinical team in Pasadena, California. She is a licensed clinical social worker, providing pediatric and adolescent psychotherapy and parenting consultations. As well, she keynotes conferences and conducts workshops for parents, educators, and clinicians all over the world. Dr. Bryson earned her Ph.D. from the University of Southern California and lives in Los Angeles with her husband and three children. More by Tina Payne Bryson
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About the Author

Georgie Wisen-Vincent
Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., is the co-author, with Daniel J. Siegel, of two New York Times bestsellers, The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline. She is the founder and executive director of the Center for Connection, an interdisciplinary clinical team in Pasadena, California. She is a licensed clinical social worker, providing pediatric and adolescent psychotherapy and parenting consultations. As well, she keynotes conferences and conducts workshops for parents, educators, and clinicians all over the world. Dr. Bryson earned her Ph.D. from the University of Southern California and lives in Los Angeles with her husband and three children. More by Georgie Wisen-Vincent
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